Commentary: Lipstick on a Pig

Before I begin my commentary, I have to clear up some confusion. I say, in my commentary that no one famous has stayed in the Afton Inn – now called “The Afton”. I was challenged by a critic who said, “King Edward VIII and his jaded American wife Mrs. Simpson stayed there to get away from Washington publicity following his abdication from the British throne.” Well, that should have made some records someplace, so I called the British Embassy. After explaining what a Front Royal is, I was eventually connected to one of their historians. Nope, no records of a romantic tryst on the banks of the Shenandoah.

Off to the Heritage Society. Great place! Incredibly nice, informed ladies (and Tony Carter) were very helpful. Here’s what we found: The nearby Weaver House – 35 North Royal was built by State Senator Aubrey Weaver, who used money from fees for securing Mrs. Simpson’s divorce in Baltimore. With family in the area, Shirley McClain and Warren Beatty played there during a visit at what was later the law offices of Pond, Pond, Athey & Athey, Napier, et al.

The Afton Inn, built circa 1866 (at least the brick part), was once named the Monte View Hotel, circa 1876. But by any name, due to a lack of supporting evidence my statement that nobody famous stayed at the Afton/Monte View holds. If you have proof otherwise, let me know, it would be a great addition to the Heritage Society.

Now, back to Commentary business.

The Afton in its porched heyday during the early days of the motorcar, one of which driven by someone apparently more used to steering a horse according to our Historical Research Department, took out that front porch assemblage. Below, ‘The Afton’ in bloom today.

On a recent jaunt down Main Street of our “beautiful town” (from the toxic waste site bordered by Stokes on one end and the famed “Historic Afton Inn” on the other) revealed beautiful indigenous flowers, painted by a local artist, covering the oh-so-familiar vacant windows of the Afton Inn. The developer, creeping along with little bitty steps of random construction (consisting mostly of moving one pile of debris to another), hired this artist to “beautify” a potential “Walking Dead” movie set.

One could write a book about the machinations of this historic rubble pile (deemed historic by decree, no one famous ever slept, died, or ate there; no Civil War entities, no space Aliens; as a matter of fact, the only famous person who has been in there was the famed The Tederick. The history of the place includes time as a “bawdy house,” a homeless shelter, and allegedly a crack joint. Mostly inhabited by rats, it has posed a threat to the Town Hall by collapsing in a shower of bricks.

The “who’s who” of who owned this mess ranges from the EDA, to the Town, to a Northern Virginia-based developer named Barros who became so enamored of our community he eventually threatened legal action against any Town or EDA official who attempted to contact him after the Town sued itself to derail his rather elaborate redevelopment plan, circa 2007-08, that would have left the restored Afton structure slightly taller than the courthouse across the street, apparently a local zoning no-no. I don’t know who really owned it before but let’s just say Jennifer McDonald’s magic EDA touch really started the ball rolling.

True, I have always recommended turning it into a tourist haunted house ride or bulldozing it and selling the bricks. We could advertise them as “historic magic bricks” and sell them at the Wine and Crafts Festival.

But kudos to the new owners for at least attempting to spruce the place up, and I wish them luck in their plans. Still, it’s akin to putting lipstick on a pig. All you get is a very weird-looking pig.

A pig without lipstick; below, pig with lipstick – weird looking pig

(Editor’s Note: Apologies to Mr. Schwartz, our resident staff satirist, for the delay in getting this commentary published in a timely manner, as it was temporarily lost between the lines of a crashed computer and distracted editorial staff. Oh, and informed of Mr. Schwartz’s research the “critic” claiming the Edward VIII and Ms. Simpson stay at the Afton, contacted us to point out the couple likely checked in under false names without alerting the British embassy of their “Helltown” hideout plan – a plan he assured us he had verified via Quija Board.)