How Much Is Too Much?

I can’t say I agree with a member of the Board of Supervisors physically assaulting a member of the public. Violence is not the answer. But can we also acknowledge something that seems to have been lost in the outrage: what happened didn’t happen in a vacuum.

It appeared to have been provoked by what had been written and said about the supervisor.

“It wasn’t that bad,” some say. Maybe it didn’t seem that bad to you. I heard what was read during the meeting. To me, it sounded like bullying and threatening statements. I didn’t hear the supervisor screaming. What I heard sounded more like a frustrated, “Meet me outside, and we can talk about this.”

And later, in a video that was publicly provided but did not show the entire incident, I heard the other person involved continuing to shout obscenities. None of that excuses putting hands on someone. But it does raise another question:

How much is too much?

And perhaps an even more important question: How much do we allow to happen before someone steps in?

How many people were in that auditorium? How many followed the two outside? How many stood there watching, perhaps expecting a schoolyard brawl, instead of stepping in before it got that far?

Someone should have intervened.

And that brings me to something that happened locally last week. A child was allowed to climb into the window of an ice cream shop and destroy a display that the owner and her daughter had created together. This wasn’t something that happened in a split second. The display was out of normal reach, and it took time and effort to cause the damage.

Understandably, the owner was upset. She posted about it on Facebook—not to ask for sympathy, but to bring attention to the fact that someone should have stopped it. Instead, what she received from some people was another form of bullying. Comment after comment accused her of seeking attention.

No. She was asking a much simpler question: Where was the person who should have stepped in?

How much is too much?

When does vandalism stop being “kids being kids”? When does bullying stop being something we shrug off? And when should law enforcement step in?

At the end of May, when children caused nearly $500 worth of damage to the bench in front of our shop, we asked law enforcement to intervene. The response we received was essentially that because there was no permit for our personal property, nothing could be done.

But that is exactly the point. It was personal property. Regardless of where that bench sat, someone damaged something that belonged to someone else. Someone should have stepped in.

How much destruction is too much? How much property damage has to occur before we decide it matters?

How many threatening comments have to be made before we decide they matter? How much bullying must occur before we decide it is no longer simply “words”?

Words can be abusive and damaging, but the answer to bullying cannot be physical retaliation. At the same time, bystanders and authorities have a responsibility to intervene before situations escalate.

And that brings me back to the current controversy.

Hugh Henry’s reputation is personal property, too. He should have every right to defend his name and challenge statements he believes are false, malicious or threatening. But defending your reputation does not mean you get to put your hands on someone.

Likewise, criticizing a public official does not give anyone the right to threaten, bully or verbally abuse them. Both things can be true.

Words can hurt. Words can intimidate. Words can damage reputations. And sometimes words can push people closer and closer to a breaking point.

But physical violence cannot be the solution. At the same time, neither can standing around watching a situation deteriorate and then acting shocked when somebody finally snaps.

And this isn’t limited to one incident, one County representative.  Remember the school board member who has repeatedly been accused of verbally attacking and bullying parents and teachers.

How much is too much? How many people have to be humiliated before someone says, “Enough”? How many incidents have to happen before the people in positions of authority decide that intervening early is better than cleaning up the mess afterward?

Maybe the real lesson here isn’t simply about one supervisor, one member of the public, one ice cream shop, one damaged bench or one school board member.

Maybe it is about what we, as a community, have decided to tolerate.

We seem increasingly willing to watch people be bullied, threatened, humiliated, or have their property damaged and then debate whether it was “bad enough” to warrant intervention.

Until it becomes bad enough. Until somebody gets hurt. Until property is destroyed. Until somebody finally loses their temper.

Then everyone wants to know: “How did this happen?” Maybe we should start asking the question sooner.

How much is too much?

And maybe the answer shouldn’t be determined by how much we personally can tolerate. Maybe we should decide that bullying is too much before someone snaps. Threats are too much before someone responds. Property damage is too much before hundreds of dollars are lost. And public humiliation is too much for the person on the receiving end before they finally break.

Because sometimes the most responsible thing a community can do isn’t pick a side after the explosion.

It’s to step in before the fuse gets that far.

Sue Laurence
Front Royal, VA

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