Struggles in parenting older teens

Kids between the ages of 17 and 23 can seem more independent than they actually are.
Even if they are working and taking care of many of their own personal expenses, however, older teens who live at home, continue to need a measure of parental guidance and reasonable limits.

Research shows that kids use the same parts of the brain at age 22 that they were using at age 15, and says James Lehman from Empowering Parents, older teens/young adults often misread life’s problems and come up with the wrong solutions.

If you are struggling with maintaining boundaries and ensuring teens adhere to house rules, you are not alone, says Dr. Kalman Heller, writing for PsychCentral. Many parents feel intimidated by teenage sons who are taller than they are or a teenage daughter who has gained a measure of financial independence, says Heller, but it is important not to lose your authority. Parenting experts agree that one of the best ways to set rules about everything from alcohol use and curfews to household responsibilities is to sit down with older teens. Write down all rules and decide in advance the consequences of not following through.

As difficult as it might be to accept, says Lehman, an older child over age 18 is now an adult and it would be more advantageous to begin to view adult children as house guests who must respect the rules of your home. In deciding your boundaries, says Lehman, ask yourself where you would draw the line with a guest before asking them to leave or calling the police.

If you have maintained a reasonable connection with your older teen, it should be easier to talk through issues and have young adults come up with their own solutions to resolving conflict and managing responsibility, Heller says.

Don’t be afraid to recognize and use your leverage, she advises, which includes withdrawing support for activities that are important to your older teen like their sports participation and even their jobs.