How to teach boys to be responsible

It is possible to reach adulthood and be irresponsible – many do – but it is a painful life that gets increasingly worse.

Steven Stosny, a clinical psychologist writing for Psychology Today, notes that the world is cruel to the irresponsible. He says the more irresponsible a person is, the less power and the less privilege they have in society.

It’s a lesson teenagers, especially boys, must learn.

Up to the age of 13, a child who doesn’t pick up his or her room gets in trouble with Mom. But an adult who doesn’t pay the rent might end up homeless.

Kids are naturally irresponsible, Stosny says. They can learn responsibility by observing responsible parents. They can be taught responsibility deliberately. Or they can experience the pain of punishment and social sanctions as an adult.

Teenage boys experience a surge of testosterone that blunts fear and inhibition, Stosny says. Although this is useful if they need to protect their family from a rampaging bear, it is less useful in a modern society where angry, impulsive behaviors are not rewarded.

Teenage boys must know in advance the consequences of their actions. If they speed, they get an expensive ticket and go to court. Then they will have to work to pay for the ticket and pay high car insurance. If they drink and drive (and if they live), they will go to jail, to court, and they will carry that legacy with them their entire lives.

On the other hand, it’s important for teenage boys to know that the more responsible they are, the more powerful they are. Working, making money, and saving money give them the privilege and means to make choices. Being faithful to commitments gives them importance.

Parents can help boys learn to regulate their behavior by teaching them they are part of a family and they have to contribute to the family through chores. They must learn to respect other people’s rights and property. They must learn how to manage money.

When speaking to a teenage boy, make eye contact, touch him while you speak, use short sentences and give him a chance to respond.